As I mentioned, Tim was instrumental in finding information on Ray. Turns out he lived in Oregon. While trying to hone in on exactly where, I was fortunate to find and speak to one of Ray’s sisters who was put up for adoption but was able to give some information. Ii was she who mentioned, “I guess I’m your aunt.” I responded in kind, but that threw me for a loop. Was I going to get more of these labels? I also was able to talk to one of Ray’s ex-wives who was able to give me some backstory on Ray which I so greatly appreciate. It was overwhelming but nice to learn something about him.
On November 25th, 2022, Tim notified me that Ray was in ICU on life support and they were just awaiting family. His son gave permission to remove him from life support and he passed away. It was the day after Thanksgiving. Tim expressed his condolences. He also gave me the name to reach out to Ray’s last ex-wife.
I was so close. Close to at least having a conversation with Ray, my biological father. Not many understood my grief. I heard, “How can you grieve someone you don’t even know?” I know his blood flows through my veins and I’m not supposed to grieve that? I cried. After all, he was my father.
Marie and I messaged for a bit which turned into phone conversations. Marie was Ray's last wife, but they were not married when he passed away. Ray had a girlfriend at that time. Marie answered all my questions from background to favorite color. Big questions to small, incidental things. We remain in contact. She sent me one of her favorite photos of Ray which I have framed. I feel I know him through her. She told me that every time he came to Chicago for the family reunion, he tried looking me up. The fact that he tried to find me makes my heart happy. That he just didn’t forget once my dad found my mom and took her home. When I heard that, it saddened me that my mother did not tell me about Ray. I had all that time to try and find him.
In one of our conversations, Marie said, “I guess this makes me your step-mother and you’re my step-daughter.” Her saying that just melted my heart. It was the closest I felt to Ray. Marie has a daughter from a previous marriage, so I also have a step-sister.
I grieve the missed opportunities I never got with Ray. I grapple with the “everything happens for a reason” and perhaps it wasn’t meant to be that our paths crossed in this lifetime. But I can’t help think that once again, decisions were made for me. Once again, secrets are kept and I am at the center of them.
I think of Ray often and hope that he is resting in peace. I think of the conversations going on in Heaven. Oh, to be a fly on the cloud.
Next Week: Grieving the loss of Hope
Until Next Time…
コメント